Introverts and Extroverts in Isolation- How to Get What You Need and Challenge Yourself to Grow

I’ve been seeing some humourous posts online about the impact that physical distancing/isolation is having on both introverts and extroverts. It developed in me this desire to address some of the benefits and challenges that come along with both personality types during this time and hopefully give some tools for how to respond to and care for yourself and perhaps reach out to others. 

Both introverts and extroverts are put into situations during this time that aren’t necessarily comfortable or ideal for either personality type. We might assume that this is the ideal scenario for introverts forgetting that if they are in a full house the alone time they might need to refuel is going to be harder to find. So both our introverted and extroverted friends are going to potentially be struggling with different things during this time. 

It’s important to address the fact that no one is 100% introverted or extroverted. Generally, when you do a personality test it will give you a result that falls on a scale. For example your extroversion may be 75%, which means you have more extroverted tendencies and needs but there is still a part of you (35%!) that needs more introverted time and space. It’s important for us to use and exercise the less dominant parts of ourselves and be comfortable with using them. This means that for someone who is introverted it’s beneficial and healthy for them to step out into situations that make them use the extroverted part of themselves. This might mean that even though they may not be comfortable going to a gathering or party it might be beneficial to them to exercise their nondominant side. 

Introverts are in a bit of a comfort zone during this time due to generally having more alone time and less social expectations or requests. Recharging yourself as an introvert and enjoying this time is certainly in no way wrong. It can be exciting, refreshing and restorative to be in an environment that you might thrive in (depending on multiple other environmental factors). This is a great time for introverts to recharge to a fuller point than they otherwise may be able to reach. So, to the introverts out there- enjoy the time to yourself, the quiet, the chance to think and to ponder. 

If you’re an introvert and find yourself in a house that is suddenly more full, with less space and time for quiet than you did before, it’s important and okay for you to seek and ask for that time. In a discussion recently I was having with a friend of mine. They shared their current experience as an extrovert living with an introverted roommate at this time and something that they said stuck out to me. They said that they were aware that they needed to not expect their roommate to fill in for all the “extroverting” they would normally be doing, this one person could not fill the gap of the 15+ people my friend might be used to seeing in a week. My friend might be feeling as though her needs were being met (to a degree), but her roommate would have her extroverting resources quickly depleted. 

If you are an introvert surrounded by extroverts (or just one extrovert) who may or may not be aware of this dynamic it is more than OK to ask for the time you need. It might mean being more creative with your time alone or your space. This might mean a walk outside, waking up earlier to have some quiet time before others are up, or perhaps a bathtub may never have looked like an inviting place to journal, but the quiet it provides may seem incredibly appealing now. There are also incredible benefits to being able to create for yourself a quiet “headspace” through deep breathing, meditation, prayer or visualization. There are some great mindfulness and meditation apps out there. So, download a deep breathing or meditation app on your phone, stick in your earbuds and close your eyes. Not only will you benefit now, but you will reap great benefits down the road as well. While you look to find the alone time you need it’s also helpful to check-in with yourself to note what is most restorative to you in that time. Sometimes what we truly need is to sit down, relax and watch a movie; while other times that may not be the refueling we need and our time would be better spent writing, drawing, playing a musical instrument or reading. As you head in to your alone time, check-in with yourself about what you truly need.  

As an introvert this time of physical distancing and isolation is also an opportunity to exercise your nondominant side and to reach out to others to socially connect and engage even when it’s not your preferred or ideal situation. Agree to do that virtual “hangout” with friends you haven’t seen in a while or set one up with someone you’ve been hoping to talk to. As introverts enjoying this time of global social distancing we can forget that while we’re being fueled others are being drained, if we check-in with ourselves and know we can offer that social interaction an extrovert may be needing we can definitely reach out.  

As most of us are already aware this is not an ideal time for most extroverts. So there are more areas for them to struggle with and challenge themselves in. This is generally not the type of environment an extrovert thrives in which is not, necessarily, a bad thing if they are still able to access what they need. Extroverts, in general, do struggle with time alone due to getting much of their energy from interactions with others. So, when you are limited in your social interactions as an extrovert you start to feel drained and low. During this time of physical distancing it is important to still get what we need in terms of our interactions with others which probably means getting a bit more creative. This new, temporary social landscape also means changing your expectations for a period of time about how you may feel or how recharged you are after socializing. 

Being more creative in your social time with others might demand more time and planning but in the end will, hopefully be worth the effort. There are platforms out there that allow you to connect to play games, watch the same movie, or simply just talk. Getting the social interaction we need can be as simple as talking with a friend on a video call or as detailed as planning a Zoom party with a Spotify playlist sent out to the guests, games planned and suggested snacks for the time together. Depending on your area’s regulations, and using caution and wisdom, it could also mean taking a social distancing walk with someone or sitting outside a friend’s house to talk. 

Now onto the challenge for extroverts, settling into your forced “down time”. Now is a great time to exercise that other side of yourself, that also has needs that can be met and learning to find out what that introverted side of you needs. Automatically we may think that we need to jump into meditation or quiet time for an hour and if we do anything less we have failed. Unfortunately, while this is an admirable goal, it’s not entirely plausible and will, more than likely, set you up to drop the goal because it’s unattainable. Start with 15 minutes, and if even that feels daunting starts with less. You could try journalling, meditation, mindfulness (which can include meditation but isn’t limited to that), or picking up an old (or new) hobby. It doesn’t have to be anything grand, it could be something as simple (and yet difficult) as allowing yourself to feel that discomfort we all sometimes feel in being alone. It could mean asking yourself why you feel so uncomfortable being alone and what it is about social distancing you are finding the hardest. As you spend more time intentionally alone you may find it gets easier and that you actually look forward to the time and naturally begin to increase the amount of time you spend by yourself

The wonderful thing about developing our nondominant sides, both introverts and extroverts respectively, is that it is something that will benefit us even when the physical distancing lifts. In fact, in listening more to this side of yourself you may learn something new or find something that you find refreshing and restorative that you hadn’t considered before. 

Giving Yourself Permission to Feel

During this time of a global pandemic I’ve been seeing online and hearing from a lot of people in various conversations about feeling “bad” or guilty about feelings of sadness, stress or disappointment. Often after someone expresses what they’re experiencing as tough or difficult is followed by them immediately saying they “know they shouldn’t feel this way because it isn’t that bad/some people have it worse/shouldn’t be complaining”. It seems that people are almost afraid to admit that they are finding things hard without assuring other people, or themselves, that they see the “silver lining” or that they are aware that in comparison their situation isn’t really that bad. 

There’s a quote that Brene Brown said recently that addresses this perfectly- she says, “A lot of us know that so many people have it worse, so we don’t want to say ‘I’m sad,’ or ‘I’m scared.’ But empathy and compassion are infinite, and we don’t have to withhold our own fear and feelings in order to be empathetic toward other people. When we practice empathy, we create more empathy. Every time we honour our own struggle and the struggle of others by responding with empathy, the healing that results affects all of us.” 

As we give ourselves compassion and empathy we have more compassion and empathy to give to others. This is in part because we aren’t having to hold down our own feelings and pretend as though we are “fine”. Also, as we allow ourselves to feel how we feel we will be less likely to hold any resentment or ill feelings towards others for expressing their own difficulties or trials- particularly if theirs are categorically or comparatively worse than our own. When there is space for the expression of what we feel to be hard/sad/frustrating and not competition for the “worst” experience then we are all more free to share how we are. Then as we allow others to share and respond with empathy and understanding they will then in turn be more likely to be able to share that same gift with others.

Further, It’s not that being able to recognize that there are other people who are in situations that are overwhelming, traumatic, or stressful is wrong. There is a significant difference between recognition and comparison. If I am recognizing that someone’s situation is hard it is more of a statement, “That person is working 12 hour shifts and is constantly in contact with sick people making it so that it is not safe for them to go home to their family. I can imagine that would be really hard for them”. When I am comparing I am looking at my own situation and looking at how I have it easier (or worse). “I am ‘only’ doing my work for school for 5 hours a day and I am able to take breaks. I shouldn’t feel so stressed because they are doing more and aren’t able to see their family. I can see my family. I shouldn’t be annoyed with my siblings because at least I can see them”. There is a balance between having perspective and acknowledging and attending to your own feelings and struggles. I can say, “I’m grateful for being able to be home with my family and sometimes I find things they do annoying.” Or “I find it hard to be around the home all day with a newborn and not being able to access support like I would otherwise. This is hard for me”.

When we respond to ourselves by saying we “shouldn’t” feel a certain way or we guilt trip ourselves because others have it worse we not only shut ourselves down but we also don’t create a space where others can be authentic and open about their experiences or emotions. Generally, all this response does is contribute to us feeling even worse about ourselves and possibly even our situations. When we compare our situations to others we communicate to ourselves that our feelings aren’t valid and that we are wrong or bad for having them. It’s as though we are saying to ourselves that unless our situation is the WORST possible we aren’t allowed to feel anything but gratitude, happiness and “positive” emotions. 

This might be akin to telling someone who is bleeding heavily from their leg, “At least you still have your leg” and then expecting them to no longer feel the pain and be totally fine with their situation. While the point you may be making is true- yes, they could no longer have a leg which could be worse- it doesn’t change their current situation or take away the pain that they are currently feeling. Sometimes we seem to have a better understanding of these kinds of comments not helping with physical pain but we forget that it doesn’t really change things for emotional pain either.

So, if the answer isn’t comparison, telling ourselves or others we “shouldn’t” feel a certain way ,or telling ourselves things could be worse then what is? I believe the answer lies in empathy and compassion. When we have a difficult day of work from home and what we know would help us through that would be to sit and talk with our best friend but we can’t do that is hard. Then we add onto a stressful day of online meetings, analysing, writing or whatever it may be the sadness of not being able to access something that would normally help us emotionally. We might feel stuck or anxious and feeling stuck or anxious are unpleasant emotions to feel. If we can say to ourselves in that moment, “This is hard, I want to be able to sit physically with someone and talk about my day but I can’t. I feel stressed and overwhelmed and it feels like I can’t get what I need.” 

Some of the best advice I’ve heard in regards to having these empathetic conversations with ourselves is to talk to ourselves the way we would talk to our best friend or someone we really care about. If your friend were to call you and say they were struggling with something we (generally) would not tell them they were being stupid and ungrateful. We would probably empathize with them, express some sort of understanding of their situation. We might remind them of things that they have to be grateful for, but not to negate or cancel out the sadness, disappointment or stress they may be feeling. There is absolutely space during this time to practice gratitude, and to be intentionally seeking things that we are grateful for about our situations. This helps us start to develop a habit of finding the positives and looking for them as well. Studies show the incredible benefits of practicing gratitude, so it can’t be ignored. 

Sometimes in our attempts to feel better we seek to move quickly through the emotions that may be less pleasant to feel, thinking that if we just move past them we will feel good and happy. So we ignore the sadness, frustration, anger or stress and move on to the gratitude and  positivity. Rarely is this successful in the long run. we may move past the feelings for the time being but generally if it hasn’t been attended to we will just carry along with us until it decides to ask for our attention again. 

There is no exact amount of time that I can say each person needs as I believe it is entirely different based on each person, their situation, and related events in their lives. I do believe that if we’re checking in with ourselves and being honest with that check-in we will know when that emotion has been “heard”. These two emotions or experiences can be held simultaneously as well. Checking in and hearing out our sadness, for example, doesn’t mean that the sadness is going to be gone or fully dealt with never to effect us again. We can acknowledge and recognize that we are sad while still seeing positive things in our situation. One emotion does not negate the other.

Give yourself permission to feel during this time. We are all experiencing something unprecedented and that has never been experienced on such a global scale before. None of us really know what we are doing, we're adapting and adjusting each day which is bound to cause a lot of emotions and impact. Try to be gentle and compassionate with yourself and those around you and notice how it effects you and then go from there.