During this time of a global pandemic I’ve been seeing online and hearing from a lot of people in various conversations about feeling “bad” or guilty about feelings of sadness, stress or disappointment. Often after someone expresses what they’re experiencing as tough or difficult is followed by them immediately saying they “know they shouldn’t feel this way because it isn’t that bad/some people have it worse/shouldn’t be complaining”. It seems that people are almost afraid to admit that they are finding things hard without assuring other people, or themselves, that they see the “silver lining” or that they are aware that in comparison their situation isn’t really that bad.
There’s a quote that Brene Brown said recently that addresses this perfectly- she says, “A lot of us know that so many people have it worse, so we don’t want to say ‘I’m sad,’ or ‘I’m scared.’ But empathy and compassion are infinite, and we don’t have to withhold our own fear and feelings in order to be empathetic toward other people. When we practice empathy, we create more empathy. Every time we honour our own struggle and the struggle of others by responding with empathy, the healing that results affects all of us.”
As we give ourselves compassion and empathy we have more compassion and empathy to give to others. This is in part because we aren’t having to hold down our own feelings and pretend as though we are “fine”. Also, as we allow ourselves to feel how we feel we will be less likely to hold any resentment or ill feelings towards others for expressing their own difficulties or trials- particularly if theirs are categorically or comparatively worse than our own. When there is space for the expression of what we feel to be hard/sad/frustrating and not competition for the “worst” experience then we are all more free to share how we are. Then as we allow others to share and respond with empathy and understanding they will then in turn be more likely to be able to share that same gift with others.
Further, It’s not that being able to recognize that there are other people who are in situations that are overwhelming, traumatic, or stressful is wrong. There is a significant difference between recognition and comparison. If I am recognizing that someone’s situation is hard it is more of a statement, “That person is working 12 hour shifts and is constantly in contact with sick people making it so that it is not safe for them to go home to their family. I can imagine that would be really hard for them”. When I am comparing I am looking at my own situation and looking at how I have it easier (or worse). “I am ‘only’ doing my work for school for 5 hours a day and I am able to take breaks. I shouldn’t feel so stressed because they are doing more and aren’t able to see their family. I can see my family. I shouldn’t be annoyed with my siblings because at least I can see them”. There is a balance between having perspective and acknowledging and attending to your own feelings and struggles. I can say, “I’m grateful for being able to be home with my family and sometimes I find things they do annoying.” Or “I find it hard to be around the home all day with a newborn and not being able to access support like I would otherwise. This is hard for me”.
When we respond to ourselves by saying we “shouldn’t” feel a certain way or we guilt trip ourselves because others have it worse we not only shut ourselves down but we also don’t create a space where others can be authentic and open about their experiences or emotions. Generally, all this response does is contribute to us feeling even worse about ourselves and possibly even our situations. When we compare our situations to others we communicate to ourselves that our feelings aren’t valid and that we are wrong or bad for having them. It’s as though we are saying to ourselves that unless our situation is the WORST possible we aren’t allowed to feel anything but gratitude, happiness and “positive” emotions.
This might be akin to telling someone who is bleeding heavily from their leg, “At least you still have your leg” and then expecting them to no longer feel the pain and be totally fine with their situation. While the point you may be making is true- yes, they could no longer have a leg which could be worse- it doesn’t change their current situation or take away the pain that they are currently feeling. Sometimes we seem to have a better understanding of these kinds of comments not helping with physical pain but we forget that it doesn’t really change things for emotional pain either.
So, if the answer isn’t comparison, telling ourselves or others we “shouldn’t” feel a certain way ,or telling ourselves things could be worse then what is? I believe the answer lies in empathy and compassion. When we have a difficult day of work from home and what we know would help us through that would be to sit and talk with our best friend but we can’t do that is hard. Then we add onto a stressful day of online meetings, analysing, writing or whatever it may be the sadness of not being able to access something that would normally help us emotionally. We might feel stuck or anxious and feeling stuck or anxious are unpleasant emotions to feel. If we can say to ourselves in that moment, “This is hard, I want to be able to sit physically with someone and talk about my day but I can’t. I feel stressed and overwhelmed and it feels like I can’t get what I need.”
Some of the best advice I’ve heard in regards to having these empathetic conversations with ourselves is to talk to ourselves the way we would talk to our best friend or someone we really care about. If your friend were to call you and say they were struggling with something we (generally) would not tell them they were being stupid and ungrateful. We would probably empathize with them, express some sort of understanding of their situation. We might remind them of things that they have to be grateful for, but not to negate or cancel out the sadness, disappointment or stress they may be feeling. There is absolutely space during this time to practice gratitude, and to be intentionally seeking things that we are grateful for about our situations. This helps us start to develop a habit of finding the positives and looking for them as well. Studies show the incredible benefits of practicing gratitude, so it can’t be ignored.
Sometimes in our attempts to feel better we seek to move quickly through the emotions that may be less pleasant to feel, thinking that if we just move past them we will feel good and happy. So we ignore the sadness, frustration, anger or stress and move on to the gratitude and positivity. Rarely is this successful in the long run. we may move past the feelings for the time being but generally if it hasn’t been attended to we will just carry along with us until it decides to ask for our attention again.
There is no exact amount of time that I can say each person needs as I believe it is entirely different based on each person, their situation, and related events in their lives. I do believe that if we’re checking in with ourselves and being honest with that check-in we will know when that emotion has been “heard”. These two emotions or experiences can be held simultaneously as well. Checking in and hearing out our sadness, for example, doesn’t mean that the sadness is going to be gone or fully dealt with never to effect us again. We can acknowledge and recognize that we are sad while still seeing positive things in our situation. One emotion does not negate the other.
Give yourself permission to feel during this time. We are all experiencing something unprecedented and that has never been experienced on such a global scale before. None of us really know what we are doing, we're adapting and adjusting each day which is bound to cause a lot of emotions and impact. Try to be gentle and compassionate with yourself and those around you and notice how it effects you and then go from there.